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My somewhat shy boy went to daycare and he was fine - he didn’t ever
shed a tear (unlike me). Here’s how to make that tumultuous moment as
easy for you both as possible.
 When my little boy turned one, I was very keen to put him into daycare.
I’d been looking after him 24/7 with only a few small outings and I was
just about stir crazy. Yet the whole point of him being looked after by
me was that he would ‘feel the love’. So when it came to saying goodbye
I didn’t want him to feel upset – I didn’t know if I could handle it. Now I know that there's nothing to fear from separation.
Feeling secure
The most important thing to realise about leaving your child is that you both need to feel secure about the situation. Really, for the mum or dad that means that you need to find a person to look after your child that you like and trust. If you smile and have a rapport and a joke with your child’s carer, then the child knows that it’s ok. Your confidence becomes theirs and the transition will be smoother.
If you have a good baby sitter, that person will see your child grow for years and they will develop their own friendship. There’s nothing more satisfying than seeing your child wave and know that they’ll have a great time.
In the case of a child care centre, find a person who you like, who likes your child. With our young boy we’d hand him over for a cuddle to the carer, who then busied him straight after our goodbyes with something in the room.
Hand them overWhen you are going out for the first time, make
sure your baby knows that you are leaving them in the care of another
person. Have the carer take your child while you are still there. Make
sure you have some conversation with the carer and that your baby knows
that you are ok with them looking after him.
The other key to child care is to make sure your child knows where they are and what’s happening.
Becoming accustomed - take the time to familiarise your child
Historically, the first time your child was cared for by another would be easy. Your family, your clan, your ‘kith and kin’ would be nearby from day one and you would have someone your baby knew handy to help out when need be.
Now it’s just not so easy. My baby had his first sitting experience when he was six months old! Until then, he’d never been out of the sight of his parents. This might sound extreme, but it was just a matter of circumstance. We lived away from our family and hadn’t found a good enough reason to initiate a baby sitter.
The key to taking our child from total dependence to assured independence was time and the following tips:
- Take it slow and do a trial run.
- Spend a couple of hours with your new baby sitter or child care centre the first time your child is being introduced.
- Make sure the carer is aware of the things that matter to your child – comfort toys, routines, favourite and disliked foods, games and songs.
- When you leave be near by and on standby. Have a meal or go shopping but have the phone nearby for a call.
If you do this right, you’ll save yourself hours of guilt over leaving an upset child.
Don’t leave them longThat first trip will cost you a few dollars but it will engender trust, which is priceless. Call to check how your child is and go back after just an hour or two at most. That way your child knows you are coming back.
Always say ‘Goodbye’Current psychology has confirmed the importance of saying ‘goodbye’ before you leave. Remember, you are their whole world and there’s nothing more upsetting for your child than thinking you would just leave them. That might sound extreme, but just imagine you were with someone who was looking after you and they just disappeared. Then think how much worse that would be if you were in another country where you didn’t speak the language, had no car and no money. You get the idea. Saying ‘goodbye' is essential. Going out and having a cry afterwards is of course optional, but not unusual.
Let your baby know how longYour child won’t understand time for quite a while. So every time you do leave them, it’s important that you explain when you are coming back. This needs to be in terms they can understand e.g. after lunch, their sleep, dinner. It’s good to include something that they can do with the carer – at daycare that might be craft, at home maybe a book or TV program the child is fond of. You might tell him that you’ll be back after he has a bath, watches Playschool and goes to bed.
Call and checkFor your own peace of mind, never be worried about calling to see how your child is doing. Talk to them and to the carer, make sure everything is fine. If there are any questions, your carer will get to ask them. You can also see how the routine is going and assess your carer and child’s stress level by the sounds going on at the other end.
Be patient and loving when you leave
Many parents think they have to feel guilty and their child has to cry. A few children will find it very hard to adjust and will cry no matter what. For most there are a few ‘crocodile tears’ for mummy or daddy and then the child is fine. With our child we were patient and stayed until he felt comfortable. He did experience separation anxiety, but we rarely had to endure that heart breaking moment of leaving a sobbing child. So give cuddles and kisses and get your child comfortable with you leaving, with who is looking after them and when you are coming back.
With patience, planning and a bit of luck your child will be happy when you leave. You will then be about your day feeling lighter and blessedly kid free!
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